Deathiversary & Equidistant Day

I haven't posted in a long time.  I feel mostly like words fail me a lot these days.  

January 8 is the day Elianna died, two years ago.  My brain can barely compute this.  Two years is such a short time, but those memories, and that time, feels lightyears away.  Except when I look at Eli, her looks remind me so much of Elianna's last days.  It is like a strange flashback.  

Elianna shortly before she died.

A few folks have remembered today and let us know they are remembering with us.  We got flowers, reminiscent of the flowers on Elianna's casket.  I love this gesture so much, picking out those flowers was very intentional for me at that time, so seeing a similar arrangement on my table feels like a salve for my heart. Thank you, you know who you are!

A couple people asked us what we were planning for today.  I hadn't given it much thought (again, my mind is so much in the present circumstances, it doesn't even think to contemplate that question), but I am glad it was asked of me.  It gave me time to think about it.  We decided to have a quiet family day, we talked with Milena about Elianna, and then we looked at all of our photos of her.  It was nice.  Especially nice was watching the videos of various things like bath time, Milena helping me change a diaper, hearing Elianna cry and watching her move.  

Today also marks another big day.  Equidistant Day I'm going to call it, since I can't think of a more concise way to say it.  Today is the day that Eli has been outside of my belly as long as she was in, 42 weeks and 6 days.  This is also hard to comprehend. In total, from when we found out we were pregnant till today has been about 18 months, I've been grieving about her life, existence and the story that would unfold and is still unfolding. And, at the same time as the heavy of grief, we've been trying to live and savour the moments as best as we can.  

Eli on her birth day.

Eli, today, 42 weeks and 6 days old.